In The Doldrums

Piper is cutting some molars and has been profoundly unpleasant as of late. I am constantly worried it's an ear infection (even though she has not given any signs of such) or internal organ-eating virus (even though Ebola is uncommon in our neighborhood) or it's not teething and she's going to be this horrible, whiny, screamy, clingy creature biting me on the face and collarbone until I kick her out at age 18. I'd take her to the doctor, but we still have no health insurance. I've applied for a low-cost program through the state and spend at least part of every day since I put that envelope in the mail rehearsing begging speeches to use if they turn us down.

I can tell you that a toddler wandering around with a pair of her father's pajama pants on her head is hilarious. Until she starts screeching and biting me again.

We are having problems with the cats, and it's become clear that they have to go. We currently have nine, and really need to reduce that to one or two. This presents a number of problems: finding takers, finding takers I am willing to let actually take the cats home, choosing who stays and who goes. I am stressed and losing sleep over this. I love them, but we just can't keep them anymore. I feel guilty and horrible about it, but there's a big stack of reasons why they need to be somewhere else.

My parents were here earlier this month and bought me a fancy new Nikon D60 DSLR camera as an early birthday present. A week and a half later it's still sitting in its box by the door. Ryan is pressuring me to get it out and use it, but I feel so dumb when I look at it and I don't feel like I'll ever have time to learn how to use it properly. Ryan keeps reminding me that this is the camera I've been dreaming about for over a year, but really I feel like taking it back. It's one more thing I don't have time for, that I'll never be good at, one more symbol of my failed potential.

I am really feeling the crushing lack of personal/leisure time these days. I have barely knit anything since Piper was born, I have to stay up until 3:00 am just to write the few shitty, rambling lines I am capable of by the end of a long day, and I got to read a whole book last week only because I cut my sleep down to four hours a night.

Ryan and I are both feeling extremely isolated. We have no friends here, a situation that I have not been able to improve thus far. We didn't do much for Piper's birthday - it's not like we could have a party, what with the knowing zero people here and all. I wanted to make up for that (and yes, I know it's not like she knows the difference, but I do), so we are taking Piper to Baby Loves Disco this weekend, partly because we think she'll have a blast and partly because are we desperate to meet some other people/parents who are at least a little bit like us.