Wednesday, July 01, 2009

Next Time I'll Just Beat Myself In The Head And Leave the TV Off.

July 1st, 2009: I have to say, although I never watched it on purpose if I could help it and I hadn't watched it at all in years, Entertainment Tonight seems to have gotten even lamer than I remember it to be. I tried to watch it tonight and get the latest info on all the to-do over Michael Jackson's death, but it was the television equivalent of...I don't know, I'm trying to come up with a food analogy here but I can't think of anything. I'd say doughnut, because they are devoid of all nutritional value, but at least doughnuts are pleasurable to eat. Entertainment Tonight was irritating to watch with no payoff. Maybe a moldy doughnut, then. A moldy jelly doughnut with a filling of industrial toxic waste.

They spent the first 7 minutes of a 30-minute timeslot telling me about all the in! depth! reporting! they were going to do and all the amazing! insider! info! they had. Then five more minutes were devoted to commentary about the amazing! insider! info!, commentary from some nameless woman who claimed to have "a source in California" who said there "were rumors about" that X or Y "may be happening" and I would only be able to get the full info by continuing to watch this episode of Entertainment Tonight. Well, thank you. I'll keep resisting the urge to puke and then slam my head into a brick wall, so I can get all that great insider info you have.

Then there were several more minutes of speculation: about rumors on who is getting the King of Pop's three kids, and about whether or not a white horse-drawn funeral coach spotted being trucked down a CA highway will be the vehicle to carry MJ to his final resting place. Speculation, but not one fact, source, quote or reference. There was more chitchat from Nameless Speculative Woman about some trucks and digging equipment seen entering Neverland Ranch's gates were coming in to build a mausoleum, even though "it is illegal to bury a body on private land in the state of California, unless it has been cremated, and Michael Jackson has not been cremated." Once again, thank you for telling me absolutely nothing.

They kept patting themselves on the back for all their awesome reporting, but the term seemed to apply to the broadcast the way "millionaire" applies to my finances. That is to say, bears no resemblance whatsoever. The only "reporting" (and I use the term pretty loosely here) they did was on the dancers that were supposed to be in MJ's upcoming tour. Even that was choppy supposed-rehearsal footage interspersed with grainy 5-second "audition tapes" of would-be backup dancers professing their love for Mr. Jackson.

Then they started an "investigation" piece that consisted of showing choppy, three-second-cuts of footage from MJ's video for "They Don't Care About Us" which was recorded in Rio in...wait for it...1996. Way to be on top of the breaking news, ET. I could feel my brain cells dying one by one the longer I watched. I couldn't take it any more, so I changed the channel to something more pleasant to watch - a documentary about methods of torture in the Dark Ages.

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