Tuesday, October 24, 2006

Frequently Asked Questions

I am pregnant (roughly 10 weeks) , and last week we let the news out for general release. Below is a list of comments, questions, and otherwise that we've gotten about the announcement.



You’re pregnant!

I know.

I’m so excited! Aren’t you excited? You don’t sound very excited.

Umm…well…there’s not much to get excited about right now. It’s like the size of a lima bean. It makes me sick and tired all the time. Come find me when the kid gets a full ride to Harvard. Then I will be the very picture of excitement.

Was this an accident?

Wow, what a totally rude question! You must be so embarrassed now. But since you asked, no. Totally planned, right down to the estimated date of arrival. We were humping like nympho rabbits for an entire month. Hey, are you okay? Your face is turning kinda red…wow, don’t choke…if you embarrass that easily, you probably shouldn’t be asking nosy questions about our sex life.

But I thought you didn’t want kids.

Another nosy question! You’re really working this nosy angle, aren’t you? I said I didn’t think I did. You remember my ex – would you want to have his self-centered, hairy-backed, gun-toting baby? And I figured, hey, I’ve met the right guy and I’ve already conquered college, slackerdom, cat-collecting, and menial office jobs. I thought I’d give parenting a try.

Do you know if it’s a boy or a girl yet?

Where were you in Biology class? Like I said, size of a lima bean. No boy or girl parts yet.

Are you going to find out what kind it is?

We don’t know. I don’t agree with the people who say “there are very few real surprises in life” about this subject (actually to those people, I say: Fuck you, I got a $400 electric bill a couple months ago, THAT was a real fucking surprise, and it’s always a real surprise when something breaks or the engine drops out of the car, how much more real fucking surprised do you want to be?) but I hate all the gender-specific crap that babies seem to generate. We may find out and only share with people who will not be tempted to bury us in Lil Slugger onesies or pink frilly dresses. We may not find out, or our kid could be totally uncooperative and just moon us like Bart Simpson on the ultrasound. We’ll see.

What do you hope it is?

We hope it’s a baby. It would really suck to go through all this and get an old shoe or a tin can or something.

Do you have any names picked out yet?

Huh? Oh, um, yeah, we have a couple ideas. Do people seriously pick out names this early? For real? It creeps me out to definitively name someone who doesn’t even actually exist yet. That’s sort of like pissing on Fate’s shoes, isn’t it? We’re going to make a small list, and wait until the kid is actually born and we meet it to decide.* I can’t, in good conscience, 100% decide on a name beforehand. What if we pick Frank and the kid is really a Jim or something? Our kid will have enough troubles without having the wrong name. I suggested “Morrisey” the other day, but my husband rudely exercised his veto. Sheesh. He liked “Callum” but I vetoed it because it means “bald dove.” It’s a work in progress.

*Even though we are not picking a definitive name beforehand, family members (particularly of the parental and in-law variety) should not feel free to comment, criticize, or veto our choices. And no, we are not naming the baby after you, you uncle, your sister, or anyone else. No, we are not using any family names. Have your own baby if it’s so important that a name be passed on.

How are you feeling? Pretty good?

Nope. I feel like crap most of the time. This is not the most fun I’ve ever had as a result of sex.

You’re going to have to get rid of some of those cats.

No we’re not.

Yes you are. That’s too many to have with a baby.

Yeah, because nobody ever raised a baby in a house with pets.

It’s unhygienic to have that many cats in a house with a baby.

Oh, you’re absolutely right. Wiping poop off a child’s ass for the first few years of its life and having them blow their nose on your shirt and throw up in your bed and paint the walls with their own excrement is totally hygienic. Kids are so much cleaner than cats.

But you can’t have all those cats! With a baby! You can’t!

Yeah, I can. Turns out these are my cats and my house and my baby. I checked. You don’t get a say. Our baby will probably not smell like chicken enchiladas, be available to dole out petting, or carry treats in its pockets, so chances are the cats will ignore it. Not to mention the latest research indicates kids who grow up in homes with pets have fewer allergies. So suck it.

Aren’t you scared to do this all the way out there, so far from your mom/families/relatives?

Who are you? Do you even know me? Why would the thought of doing this thousands of miles from the grasping arms of my mother and mother-in-law bother me? I’m dancing a fucking jig here.

You know you should be taking prenatal vitamins, right? Are you taking prenatal vitamins? You should be taking prenatal vitamins.

Thanks, I am in fact totally fucking stupid and had no idea. I’ve been taking them anyway for years (got my folic acid well in hand) because they’ve got lots of good stuff in them, but now that I’m actually pregnant I thought I’d stop. I was going to go down to Osama’s Pot and Commie Jizz-Porium and buy some crack and take that every day instead.

You know you shouldn’t be cleaning out the cat boxes, right?!

Yeah, thanks, I haven’t been doing that for quite a while now, since the earliest possible point that I could’ve been pregnant. Although my risk of Toxoplasmosis is very low, since 1) our cats do not go outside and dig in the dirt, 2) nor do they eat rodents, birds, or other small animals, 3) every one of our boxes gets completely cleaned, rinsed and re-filled every single day, and 4) with this many cats, chances are I’ve had it before and didn’t even know, which means I have the antibody for it already.

We may have to have a talk with my mother-in-law, who has already bought a bunch of stuff for the baby (unlike us and everyone else -including my own very excited mother- who are waiting, so as not to jinx it) and is referring to it as "our baby." As in, "I bought a bunch of stuff for our baby," not "I bought a bunch of stuff for the baby" or "I bought some stuff for my grandbaby."

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